Sunday, December 25, 2011

I am festive

Merry Christmas, humans. I am having my first Christmas in England. I got some presents. I got nip toys and rolly balls. I am a spoilt pooka. And I got special Christmas food too! I had smoked salmon, scrambled eggs and bickies for breakfast. Then for lunch, I had turkey skin and bickies. I loved the turkey skin. The female human says I may also have one finger lick of port later tonight. I like port. It's like super red wine.
I met a lot of new humans today. I met grandma humans, aunt and cousin humans... Too many humans. I was overwhelmed with humans, so I stayed upstairs and flumped out on the bed.
Merry Christmas and a Furry New Year.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I am alive

I am alive! My mama still loves me! I have a warm bed and noms! I have been on an adventure, the biggest adventure any pooka has ever been on.
On Saturday morning at 7am, my lovely mama handed me to a kind Japanese man who took me away in his truck. I thought she didn't love me any more and I had to go live with this Japanese man instead. I was a very sad pooka. Then the nice Japanese man took me to the airport and gave me to some other people. They put stickers on my cage and called me "Premium Cargo". That was more like it! It was very noisy. They took me to the airplane and loaded me into the back where it was warm and dark and quiet. I was very scared, so I hid under my blanket and didn't even bother to growl at the airport humans. Eventually the plane took off, but I couldn't see anything because there were no window seats in my section. I went to sleep...
When I woke up, some other humans were taking me off the airplane. They were speaking a funny language, but it sounded kinda similar to the male and female humans. I was taken to another place and put in a room all by myself. I wanted to stretch my legs, but these humans said I was the grumpiest looking pooka they had ever seen and they didn't want to let me out because I was too scary. They were smart humans. Finally my lovely mama arrived! She hadn't given me away! She took me home in a nice car with some other humans. She even offered me some roast chicken but I wasn't hungry. Now I am an English pooka. This is my new favourite spot.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I am ready

I'm going to Engerland. First I have to go to Narita tomorrow and have a check-up. Then, on Saturday, I will go to Engerland. I have to go on the plane two times. I am not a happy pooka. But the female human has made me a super comfy compartment to travel in. She put a soft pillow in the bottom and a cozy blanket pocket on top. I can go in the pocket if I get cold. It has crunchy foil inside and there's even a little nip pouch where I can stash my nip. I like my travel case.
But the female human says I have to leave my nice warm apartment to go to Engerland! And before that, I have to go to the vet to have vaccinations for ticks and tapeworms!! As if I would have any of those kinds of things. How rude!

Friday, December 9, 2011

I am slim

That mean female human has had me on starvation rations. Only 40g of food a day! Only flakies as my treats! She relented a little and allowed me some chicken'n'cheese noms from my grandma. But it's not enough! Where is my kind, soft male human? He was a pushover. I liked him. He gave me lots of nommy treats.
On the red bed is my before shot. It was in July. I was 11.8kgs! I'm sure the female human rigged the scales. I wasn't that big.... I am handsome and cuddly. Now I am a slim 10.25kgs. I have lost over 1.5kgs. The mean female human's diet seems to have worked. I am a slim, sexy pooka now. I am The Biggest Loser!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I am royal

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
I like the sunshine. It warms my belly. In summer, it warms the balcony and then I can roll around warming my belly and my back at the same time. I don't like winter. There is less sunshine. The female human is happy because now I wake up at 7am, rather than 4am.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I am sexy

This is my sexy pose. I think it shows off all my good points. Well, all my points are good, but these are my more good points. First, there's my lovely, furry, soft belly. The female human says I have the softest belly in the world. Second, my "here's looking at you, kid" paw pose. And finally, my slow, sexy wink.
I am a sex kitten.

Friday, October 28, 2011

I am reunited

The female human has returned from England. I had fun with the other male human, but I missed 'my' humans. The female human brought me treats from my grandma. They are cheese and chicken crunchy treats. They are very nommy.
The other male human was good company. He likes naps. I like naps too. Sometimes we napped together. He was an adequate heater. But I am glad my female human is back. I missed our lap cuddles.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I am chilly

It is cold. I don't like the cold. It is cloudy as well, so I can't sunbathe in the toasty sunshine. The female human has finally put the tatsu on. I love the tatsu. It is toasty and warms and dark and comfy. The female human and I have been pooking out under the tatsu recently.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I am Swedish

The humans have a bag. I like bags. This is my favourite bag. It's big and blue and crunchy and is usually filled with comfy laundry. This delightful bag comes from IKEA in Sweden. I think Sweden must be a wonderful place, to make such fantastic bags, so I have decided I will be Swedish from now on (or until next dinner time). I am the Alexander Skarsgard of the pussum world.
Maybe I should start a fan club...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I am sneezy

The female human says I have a small cold. I am sneezing and I have a blocked nose. She says it's because autumn is here and now it's cold. I don't like autumn. I like summer. In summer, the sun is warm and toasty on my belly. I can roll around on the balcony while the female human sunbathes.
If the male human were here, I could give him a cuddle. He is warmer and toastier than the female human. Also, he gives me more treats.

Monday, September 5, 2011

I am groomed

There's nothing I like better than relaxing on the floor and slurping my paws.
Well, after flakies, and Marmites, and lap cuddles, and fighting with the male human.
Actually, there's lots of things that I like better than paw slurping, but I do enjoy a good paw slurp every now and again, especially when I can't find the female human for a balcony brush.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I am elongated

Everyone thinks I'm fat. How rude. I might be a tad heavy, but I am also big. I am a long cat. I have a long body. I am tall. I have long legs. And I have especially long paddy paws.
When I stretch, I spread my paws and claws, and my paddies look very big and scary. The female human likes it when I stretch my paddies. She thinks I am very cute. But she doesn't like it when I stretch my paddies on her arm. She says it hurts. Doesn't she realise I have to stretch my claws too?
When I stretch standing up, the female human says I look like Thunderbird 2. I don't know what she's talking about, but it must be something very handsome like myself. I am a handsome, long cat.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I am negligent

I haven't updated my blog for a long time, over one month. Actually, it is not my fault. As you know, the male human is away in England. The female human has to do all my chores now. She is now responsible for my meals (breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses, lunch, dinner, second dinner, supper and midnight snack), for cleaning my tray, playing with me, my cuddles, brushing my fluffy belly, and just generally being around for me to bite.
She hasn't had time to update my blog. An important pooka like me needs at least two human staff members. One human just isn't enough. You'd think in this economic climate humans would jump at a chance to work for such an esteemed pooka as myself.
I have spoken sternly to the female human and normal blogging services will resume.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I am fortified

Before the male human went away, he built me a fort. It's the best fort in the world. It has a chop-stick door, a big red rat guard on the roof, and a propagator drawbridge.
When I gets back to England, I want him to build me another fort. But I want a moat next time. And a couple of turrets. And a dragon.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I am nonchalant

The female human is no fun. She doesn't play with me properly. She tries to entice me with my chopsticks, she shakes my mousies, she twirls my ribbons, nips up my big fishy and my red rat.... But she's just lacking in something.
I miss my male human. He knows how to play properly. He fights! He wrestles! He chases! Now he's not here, I am not getting my daily dose of play. I can't wait to see the male human again and get some proper playing done.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I am England-bound

That's right. Coming to a tea room, or a pub near you, one monster Hokkaido wild cat.
The humans are going back to England and they love me so much, they're taking me with them. I'm going to Engerlands!!! I am told they have many Marmitey treats there and all kinds of wonderful cheeses. There was also mention of a 'house' with a 'staircase' and 'exercise that fat cat'. I have no idea of whom they are speaking.
The female human mentioned something about an 11-hour flight.... I'm not looking forward to that, but she has promised to take me on the shortest, most direct route possible, with minimum separation time from my lovely mama. I suppose I can cope with that.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I am well-read

The male human likes to reorganise his books. Recently, he decided he had too many books, so he is going to sell them to the secondhand bookshop. Of course, to do this, the male human needed a cardboard box. I love cardboard boxes. They are one of my favourites. I helped the male human organise his books. I am a smart, well-read Pooka.

Friday, July 1, 2011

I am blue

I am sad. My lovely Papa has gone away for a while. I know I complain about the humans, but I love them really. I miss my Papa. He has gone away to talk to other people. I miss fighting with him, I miss biting his hands and arms, I miss all my extra dinners (second breakfast, lunch, second dinner, supper), I miss my snacks, but most of all, I miss my afternoon cuddles on the sofa. I have been such a sad Pooka, I didn't write on my blog for two weeks. Luckily, my lovely Mama is here to give me extra cuddles (although she draws the line at extra meals).

Friday, June 17, 2011

I am shaved (and traumatised)

I am not pleased, not pleased at all. It all began this morning, when I awoke to discover my food bowl was empty. Not only that, but my water dish was also empty. The useless humans had failed to provide me with water. I woke the male human up so that I could air my grievances with him. He failed to refill my water bowl and he failed to provide me with breakfast. I mooed at him and the female human all morning - to no avail.
They eventually went out because I was merkling too much at them. When they returned, I was shoved into my carry case and dragged down to the vet. I don't mind the vet waiting room. it smells interesting and there are other animals to growl at. They are all scared of me. But then the humans took me into Dr. Inaba's room..... Dr. Inaba is a very nice man, but he is very, very scary. Last time I saw him, he stuck a needle in me. And the time before that, he stuck two needles in me. I went on the offensive. I used my biggest, fiercest growl. I launched myself at the side of my case in an attempt to reach Dr. Inaba and disable him. But the case held strong. I growled at the male and female humans. Traitors! Dr. Inaba told them they would put a cover over my case and gas me! The humans left. I was all alone....
I started to come around just as Dr. Inaba finished pulling a needle out of my neck. I felt a cold breeze on my neck and my pooka paws. I had been shaved! They shaved my back leg and then they shaved my front leg! But they couldn't find a vein, so they shaved a big chunk of fluff out of my neck! I feel naked.
The humans came back to get me and take me home. I was very angry at them. I growled and hissed and merkled at them. When I finally got home, the humans let me out and gave me lots of noms. I was a little unsteady on my feet, so the male human carried me to my noms. And I had had an accident, so the female human gave me a sponge bath. It's going to take more than that though until they're truly forgiven.

Friday, June 10, 2011

I am Jabba-esque

I like to sit on my tower. I am most important, so I have to sit on the tallest platform. But sometimes my bear sits higher than me. I cannot tolerate this, so I knock him off the tower altogether. The humans call me names when I sit on my tower. They called me "Pooka the Hutt" and "Jabba the Pook" and sometimes they even call me "Pooka the Fatt". I am not a happy kitty.

One day the male human thought he was particularly funny and he dressed my bear up in gold bag ties and started calling him "Princess Beia". He is not a princess. I think the humans are pooking fun at me. I'm going to leave a "present" on the male human's pillow for this.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I am fanged

I have big, sharp, pointy teeth. The humans think my teeth are very long and scary. I like to put my teeth in the male human's arms and nom him. The best bit is the boney, knuckle bit at his wrist. I really like to nom that bit.
I don't bite the female human. She's not as fun to nom and she kinda tastes a little like green tea and apples. The male human tastes like beer and ham and cheese and Marmite.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

I am playful

As you know, I like to sleep on the humans' bed. I can keep an eye on them. Usually the female human gets up before the male human (she goes to a not-very-nice place called 'running'), so I make sure the male human gets out of bed. He's not allowed to lie in. I merkle at him and bite him until he gets up.
But sometimes, at the weekend, the male human gets up first and the female human stays in bed. I love it when the female human stays in bed. We play a silly game. She is the princess and I am the big, brave, guard tiger. I let her sleep in peace and protect her from the bad pirates and villains (the male human). If the pirate comes in and tries to wake up the princess, I bite him and scare him off. I am a silly, playful pooka sometimes.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

I am crammed

I like small spaces. I am a big pooka, but I like to squeeze myself into comfy, compact crannies. On the sofa, I like to wedge myself down the back. When the male human plays football on the Wii, I like to climb into the cardboard box in the cupboard.
But my favourite place to cram myself is between the humans when they go to sleep. The male human is very warm and keeps me toasty at night. The female human sleeps in a funny shape, so I can wedge myself behind her knees. These humans are very useful at times.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I am friendly

You might think from my blog that I only have two humans in my life; the male human and the female human. But actually I have another friend. She is the other female human. When the humans (the main humans) go on holiday, the other human takes care of me. She spoils me and lets me roll around on the furniture. I like the other human. It's much better having her here than going into the kitty hotel. I don't like the kitty hotel. They don't recognise my superior feline status.
(Photo courtesy of the other female human.)

Saturday, April 30, 2011

I am ambidextrous

I have four big paddy paws. I can use all my paddy paws equally. For example, if I wanted to scratch the male human, I can just use the paw that is closest to him. It is very useful. Also, my paws are very big. I have long pooka toes and sharp pooka claws. The female human tries to trim my claws sometimes, but I don't let her.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I am seated

The female human likes to cuddle me. She thinks I am a very cuddly pooka. She lets me sit on her lap when she gives me a cuddle. She makes a very comfortable chair.
I like sitting on the humans. When I sit on them, I like to slurp my paw and pretend I'm with my momma. Sometimes I do this for over 15 minutes. The humans try to move me, but I am a stubborn pooka and cannot be easily moved. They should do as they're told.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I am crazy

I love fighting with the male human. It's one of my favourite things to do. He's not a bad fighter, but I am better. I have claws and big teeth. The male human has teeth as well, but he never uses them. Soft human.
We like wrestling the best. I have a winning move. When the male human starts fighting with me, I roll on my back and engage all of my feets and claws. I have big bunny feets at the back. I get the male human with kangaroo kicks. Then I use my front feets to hold the male human while I bite him.
I am a supreme fighter.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I am lion-esque

I like to sit on the sofa with the male human. He is very comfy to lean against. His leg makes a nice pillow. He likes to drink beer and read his books on the sofa. Sometimes I try to steal his beer. I get in trouble. The humans say I can't have beer. Or wine. They are mean.
I look like a lion when I sit on the sofa. I am a regal, handsome pooka.

Friday, April 15, 2011

I am cocooned

One of my many toys is my leopard tunnel. My leopard tunnel is crunchy and fun to climb in. The female human made it into a bendy tunnel for me. I decided to pook out in the bendy tunnel, but I didn't quite fit. I am a majestic long-cat.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I am cuddly

The male human is very comfy. And very biteable. He tastes like salt and cheese. I like to nom his arm. He thinks I'm being cute and cuddly, but really it's because I don't want him escaping while I'm having a nom.
When I'm finished nomming, I like to have a kip.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I am lethargic

Yawn! The sun is waking me up earlier and earlier these days. I keep asking the humans for my breakfast when I wake up, but they don't seem too pleased with the earlier wake-up call. Don't they realise I have a lot of sunbathing to catch up on now that Spring has finally started? Lazy humans with their 7am lie-ins.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I am obstructive

The humans like to watch movies on their computer. The computer occupies a sweet toasty spot in the middle of the 'tatsu. I like this spot. I can warm my belly and still keep an eye on those pesky humans. Sometimes, if the humans are watching a movie, I jump on the 'tatsu, flump down behind the 'puter, and then roll over to push it off the table and get the warm spot. I am a cunning, clever pooka. If I'm very lucky, I can commandeer the male human's beer as well. I am a drunken pooka.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

I am bushy

When I get cross, or scared, or grumpy, or excited, or moody, or bitey, or agitated, I make my tail all big and bushy. I look like a scary tiger. I also arch my back and walk sideways, like a really scary tiger. I chase the male human with my big bushy tail and my arched sideways-ness. He pretends to be scared. The humans don't respect my fearsomeness.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I am forgiven

The female human and I have made friends again. She was cross at me and wouldn't give me cuddles before bed. I like to curl up behind her knees and kip. I waited until she was sleeping, and the came in for a cuddle. The female human is very maleable when she is sleepy.
We had a cuddle, I slurped my paw for a bit and then we were friends. I don't like fighting with the female human. She controls the dressing gown privileges.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I am terrorsome

Last night I decided to pounce the female human. She was talking to the male human and didn't immediately fuss my belly when I came to see them, so I pounced her leg and then chased her around the room and tried to bite her foot, but the male human captured me and put a stop to my evil plans. The female human said I couldn't have any dressing gown cuddles that night and she is not speaking to me today until I apologise.
Finally I can get some peace and quiet.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I am warm

It is March. The snow is starting to melt. The sun is warming my belly for longer in the afternoon. I am a happy pooka. I like to lay on the sofa and warm my belly. The male human moved my sofa, so now I am directly in the sun.
The humans still let me get into bed with them to snuggle in the mornings, though. I like my morning snuggles. This morning was great. The humans stayed in bed until 9:30. I am a well-rested, warm, snuggled pooka.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I am clean

I am a clean pooka. Every day I like to clean my feets. I clean between my paddies and bite off all my dead claw casings. The humans get cross because I leave the casings on the floor. Foolish humans. They know I can't reach the bin.
I especially like it when the female human takes me on the balcony and gives me a good brush. She won't do it inside because she says I am too furry. When it is warmer, she and the male human are going to give me a bath and shampoo. It sounds very exciting.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I am royal

I am king of the tower. No room for other bears here. Be gone!

Oh no! I dropped my bear! I can get him.

Just a little further....

Oh. He's gone.

I miss my bear!

Oh! Pom-poms!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I am toasty

It is winter. I am cold.
But the humans have some wonderful devices to keep me toasty.
They have a tall, black toasty machine.
And they have a wide, white toasty machine.
I like it best when I have both.
I am a toasty pooka.