I am evil

Look at my laser beam eyes! The humans wouldn't feed me on demand. I told them I was hungry and that I wanted my dinner. They said it wasn't dinner time yet and took photographs of me instead. I was most displeased about this and decided to use the laser beams on the humans. The humans thought again about making me wait for my dinner and decided to feed me early. The humans are no match for my evil laser beam gaze.

I am clean

Sometimes I am a good pussum. My humans said I am very clean. They think I keep my fur and my paws and teeth very clean. I am always slurping my fur and paws. I slurp my paws a bit too much. It makes me think about my mom. Then I go crazy and bite the human holding me at the time, usually the female human. She doesn't mind. She's used to it. I have trained this human very well. She also gives my fur a nice brush every week on the balcony. I love having my fur brushed. It reminds me of when my mom used to clean me as a kitten. The humans think I might have some momma issues.
To keep my teeth clean, I often scrape them on the female human's computer or on the male human's books. It scrapes off all the biscuit crumbs and flakie bits. My teeth feel really good after I scrape them. The humans never seem too happy, though. You'd think they'd appreciate a clean and sparkly pussum, such as myself.

I am French

Bonjour, mes amis. Je suis Francais! Ca va? Je suis le Pook.
The female human was very silly yesterday. I was having a nice kip on the floor, minding my own business, when I awoke to discover I was suddenly French and the female human was taking photographs of me. How rude! I am not French. I am Japanese. But the human's jumper was nice and warm, so I decided to stay there for a while. Maybe when winter comes, I will steal this jumper...

I am squared

It's starting to cold now. I am happy summer is finished. I was too hot and humid. My humans said I didn't do anything all day because of the hot. I don't like the hot. It makes me sleepy. When it's cold, I like to kip in my house. The male human came home and found me with my head sticking out of the house window. He thought it was funny and sent a photo to the female human. I don't care. I'm toasty.
The female human is going to England next week. She said she is going to bring me back a hot-water bottle to help keep me toasty in winter. What's a hot-water bottle...?

I am authorial

When I grow up, I want to be a writer like the male human. He gets a desk and a good chair all to himself. His desk often has tea, beer and yummy foods on it. Sometimes he drops cheese or bacon on the floor and I can eat it. When he goes to the kitchen for more beer, I steal his chair. It's all warm and toasty and I can see over the desk. There are lots of crows outside. But I am safe inside in my writer's chair. One day, I will write my autobiography. Or I'll make the male human do it for me.

I am chipped (and violent)

My humans took me on a special trip today. They took me to the Vee Eee Tee. They tricked me. It turned out the Vee Eee Tee is actually the Vet! I was not happy. They put me in my soft carry case. I tried to tell them it wasn't necessary, but they insisted. I told them in the hallway, and the elevator, and the building lobby, and in the car all the way to the Vet. But they didn't listen to me.When I got there, it smelled pretty. I was distracted by the nice smells. Then I remembered where I was. The Vet human seemed nice. He weighed me on a special table and said I was fat. How rude! He gave my humans special new food. It smells quite nice.
The male human held onto me to stop me running away. While he was holding me, the Vet human stuck two needles in me, one in my neck and one in my hip. I was not happy. After this, the Vet human wanted to take my blood. I was not a happy pussum. I wanted to go home. So, I pounced the Vet human and bit and scratched him. I made a big scratch on his arm and lots of bite marks. Then I growled at everyone, even the female human (she brought me here, traitor!). The male human put me back in the case. The Vet didn't take my blood. I'm so fiercesome. I'm a tiger.
The Vet human gave my humans a microchip and a rabies certificate. I am certified. Then they took me home. When I got home, they gave me tuna and cuddles. I suppose I'll forgive them some time soon...

I am wasted

My humans gave me some nip last week. They put it all over my big, red mousey and on my house. I love nip. It makes me happy. I nommed my mousey a lot and rolled around on the floor with him. Nip makes me affectionate and roly-poly. My humans always laugh at me when I have some nip.